So on Saturday night I got in my car prepared to drive an hour and a half to my mother and father in laws house. Its a long, dark and winding road with deer mulling' around ready to jump in front of your car and NO lights at all. Just your headlights.
I pride myself on living in a bubble for the most part. With my husbands job, I certainly can't think in realistic terms or I would probably never let him leave the house for fear of someone hurting him while he's working. He tells me stories but I always just "know" that he'll be ok.
I wish my bubble would stay with me while I was driving. For some reason while driving, I don't live in a bubble. I actually live in a crazy little place in my own mind where I fear everything. I fear the old man standing at the isolated convenience store leaning against his old beat up pick up truck. I fear the driver who's in front of me driving slower than he's suppose to. I start thinking that the two of them must be working together. One will drive slow in front of me, while the other one boxes me in from behind. I get nervous, I press the gas a little more than I should and next thing I know I'm passing slow mover in front of me, in the pitch black night, driving 120 kms per hour in a deer zone! I start to think about things like "what if this car stops and the man *I assume its a man, could be an elderly lady* jumps out at me and waves me down? I definitely won't stop but will I swerve? Will I just plough thru? If I do plough right though, will I stop? Will I call the police? I start to sweat, take my foot off the gas pedal and try with all my might to think logically.
I'm on my way to the in laws because early the next morning we were going to a baby shower where I would hold my niece for the very first time. Her little 7 week old self ;)
So I finally get off that one road, only to turn down another winding, dark 'forested' road. This time I am feeling a little less claustrophobic because there is now an extra lane, which for some reason settles me down. Its at these times, that I miss my bubble. I would give anything to put myself in my bubble. Then I think about those loser shows where someone puts an inflatable man in the passenger seat so it looks like the driver isn't alone. I wonder where to get one and what I'd call it. Would I buy a man or a woman? Probably a man to simulate my husband. Would I call him Peat? Would I talk to him on our drive? Would he talk back? Hopefully not.
Anyways, I arrive at destination IN LAWS after a long painful drive.
The next morning we drove about three hours south to the location of the shower and at precisely 1:30pm, I met my sweet little princess Victoria.
I held her in my arms right away and thought, "Yep, I want another baby". Who cares that Peat and I had decided two was enough *because Luke is so difficult*. Who cares that in an attempt to solidify our decision we had a massive yard sale and sold all of our baby stuff? Who cares? What is stuff anyway? A little extra cash and I can get it all back ;) I think I want another baby.
Except WHY would I want another baby? Its not like my baby would come out female. Not that it matters completely but lets be honest, if I had a choice, I'd probably choose a girl. Boys are awesome, let me start there, but really, what mother doesn't want a daughter?
When dh and I were going to try for a third, we actually said we'd prefer a third boy because we already had all the clothes and toys but you know what? After shopping for a girl for this baby shower, I'd LOVE to buy more girl clothing. I could barely stop myself from buying everything I saw. I wanted it all. I even considered one outfit for Luke that was in the girl section. I hoped it would be a little boyish too but then the pants had a flare leg. No good.
Anyways, baby shower was a hit. Little Victoria was sweet and little. The above picture is Victoria with he Great Grandmother. My husbands grandmother.
Other people arrived at the shower and babies were all around me. I know that if Peat had been with me, we'd be trying for a third. Boy or girl, wouldn't matter. He's mush when it comes to newborns.
Late last night I drove home in the same dark conditions as I had the night before. We won't go there with my trip home. Much the same as my trip there except on the way home I actually called hubby to come and meet me. I told him if I started to freak out too bad I'd just pull over and lock my doors until he got to me. My fear last night was the snow, not the scary creepy man at the gas bar. I did make it home though...One piece.
I think the feeling of wanting another baby has passed for now. After all, I am 34. I've only allowed myself until 35 to have babies. If I can just hold off for another year, it will be too late in my mind.
Plus I have two boys now who are constantly coughing, sneezing, choking and gagging. Its just what happens in the fall/winter. I could never bring a new baby here in all that!
I need to stop talking about babies.
Could someone please slap me.
Michelle
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